NEW YORK — At first shudder, Shaquille O Neal's relocation from one retirement village to another triggered the normal atypical knee-jerk reactions:

Are Suns owner Robert Sarver, team president Steve Kerr and coach Mike D'Antoni suffering from Heat stroke?

I thought the idea was to acquire an expiring contract, not an expiring career.

Can Marcus Banks really be that undesirable?

Maybe Shaq was acquired to keep up with Chris Webber?

I understand why the Lakers felt compelled to shoplift Pau Gasol from the Grizzlies in order to keep pace with the genius of Don Nelson. On the other hand, I'm unsure why the Suns felt compelled to forklift Shaq.

What makes the Suns believe Shaq will reboot in Phoenix and suddenly be programmed to do everything he was unable to do in Miami?

When was the last time a trade was contingent upon a player passing a physical administered by a coroner?

Since when did Lloyds of London talk cease and Paradise Valley become Lourdes?

When did Steve Nash's miraculous passing become an overnight panacea for injuries, old age, lack of conditioning, overweight, disincentive, foul-trouble and glacial speed?

Should basking in Nash's glow not go as sketched, and should The Big Arthritic continue to remind us of Patrick Ewing and Hakeem Olajuwon in their decided — two and four years, respectively — decline, what's Plan B?

Become John McCain's running mate?

True to form, Shaq is doing his best to convince constituents he's far from done; a nice story line, but it should be ignored; it's more important to focus on healing the wound.

"In traditional basketball, when a team runs, there's always been somebody to ignite the break. When I get the rebound, I'm going to be igniting that break."

That was The Big Arthroscopic's prediction Wednesday night before being stowed away in an US Airways Center overhead compartment to watch his new team lose a 132-130, double-OT track meet to the Hornets.

The cactus crowd can only hope it's not a lunch break.

At the same time, there is something to be said for the symmetry in the spelling of "desert" and "dessert."

This just in: Shaq is demanding per diem for home games.

It's not like I don't appreciate what prompted the Suns' mastodon move; despite a West-best record at the time, their results versus conference playoff competition (5-10; 14-13, overall) was not exactly enough to inspire postseason confidence.

Their defects are clearly identifiable. So what does the team that stops no one in particular (fifth-worst, allowing a down-the-FM-dial-like 103.9 points) and sits dead last in rebounding differential (minus-5.9) do?

It trades Marion, simply the Suns' superior defensive player (at any position), top rebounder, second-swiftest sprinter, and most stable starter; missed 12 games in eight previous seasons.

I don't care how much of a pain in the posterior Marion is in the locker room; the man has averaged 18.6 points — down three points and three shots this year — and 10 rebounds (currently 9.9) lifetime. That's a whole lot of liquidity to lose.

If Shaq can be propped up for 20-, 25- or 30-plus minutes a night I recognize his value and the added flexibility he brings at the offensive end, same as I recognize his free throw inaccuracy earns him a seat on the bench in the in final minutes of close games.

In other words, he's not close to being Kareem Abdul-Jabbar at the conclusion of his career (or Wilt at 35), as many proponents of the trade would have you believe.

Kareem never got hurt, except after punching a stanchion. He always was in shape thanks to an enduring commitment to yoga, eating well and absorbing only the finest herbs. And he shot 72.1 percent from the welfare line . . . better in the clutch.

I know, I know, Kareem often didn't run the floor near the end, but that was on offense. He was often still a factor on defense and got back in a hurry, especially when Magic brashly nagged him.

Shaq's transition defense never was anything to boast about. Will he run back now that he's suddenly motivated to win a fifth championship?

Is he capable of running back fast?

How ironic is it that the way to beat the Suns will be to run at them whenever Shaq is in the game.

All in all, the trade is way too risky for my conservative blood and should have been too risky for a team that was a few missteps (from the bench) from potentially winning its first title a season ago.

Peter Vecsey covers the NBA for the New York Post.