NEW YORK — You know that dead guy that was wheeled into a Manhattan check-cashing shop by two friends looking to covert his monthly $355 social security payment into currency?

James Dolan just gave him a long-term contract.

It was either that or grant Isiah Thomas another extension.

Has the bizarre behavior of Zeke & Destroy finally cost him?

What other coach would hop onto the hardwood to get up close and personal with a gendarme with his team in decent position to capture consecutive contests for the first time since late November?

Thomas admits he tried to cause a scene to draw attention to his belief Yao Ming was bivouacked in the paint.

Surely he's aware a protest 3 meters out on the floor is grounds for instant ejection.

When there have been so many blowout losses to choose from, it's anybody's guess what possessed Thomas to do it early in the fourth quarter of a very winnable game.

Instincts tell me Thomas can't beam or sweet talk his way out of his latest (public) display of irrationality.

Jerry West and Jerry Colangelo eagerly await Dolan's call.

(FYI: Contrary to inaccurate talk show babble and an unswerving disregard to do homework on all fronts by New York Daily News columnist Mitch Lawrence, both free agent executives would welcome the challenge to re-wire the Garden.)

Since listening to reason is out of the question, the sole recourse, it seems, is for David Stern to take the franchise away from Dolan.

You know, like the Yankees were taken away from convicted felon George Steinbrenner when they were floundering.

The Knicks need their owner banned for a couple of years and the organization put in the hands of a trustee that knows something about running a basketball team. You only hope it won't be someone like Kevin McHale!

New York yesterday debuted "First Flush," a public pay toilet located at Madison Square Park.

This is not to be confused with Madison Square Garden, which for years has been the site of a running overpay toilet.

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LOSERS IN nine straight and 11 of 12, the 8-28 Miami Heat conclude a five-game road trip Tuesday night in New Orleans.

I'm inclined not to believe published reports Pat Riley is angling again to give up coaching. By the way, it's been nothing but good times for the sports fans of south Florida.

In addition to the horrid Heat, the Dolphins finished 1-15, the Marlins are conducting a perpetual fire sale, the Panthers are below .500 and the University of Miami football program should be imploded.

No better time, I'm thinking, to bring back the ABA Floridians and their original five cheerleaders, specifically the blond twins, not that I recall what they looked like.

Paging Warren Jabali, Mack Calvin and Ned Doyle.

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LADIES and gentlemen, your first-place overnight Boys-To-Men Trail Blazers, who have amassed 18 wins in their last 20 games and hurtled into the Northwest Division lead.

Amazingly, Portland's last two home wins, against Utah and Golden State, were accomplished without the usual input (eight points, rebounds and assists vs. the Warriors) from legit MVP candidate Brandon Roy, hurting for certain.

Not bad for a franchise that hadn't led the league in anything since March 1, 2001 . . . except for convictions and conjugal visits.

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FOLLOWING the Bobcats' 96-83 Parquet Puzzler, maybe the NBA's slogan should be, "Any Given Wednesday."

"Better to be surprised by a loss than by a victory," I might've heard Danny Ainge say.

A conference-worst 1-11 on the road coming into Boston, Charlotte cavorted upon the coattails of Jason (34 points and nine rebounds) Richardson and Nazr (18 and 10) Mohammed.

Nazr was the guy Thomas shipped out to San Antonio for Malik Rose and conditional first round picks in 2005 and '06 rather than face the dreadful prospect of having to re-sign him.

The previous night, the center downed 7 of 8 shots from the field in a Bobcats rout of New Jersey.

Peter Vecsey covers the NBA for the New York Post.