IOC delegates: the questions they should be asking

The International Olympic Committee has come Japan to check out Osaka's facilities for staging the 2008 Olympics.

Rest assured, they will depart saying Osaka has everything a city needs to stage the Olympics. But have they asked the right questions?

If not, here is a guide -- with ready-to-quote answers to give the folks back in in Lausanne, as well as ratings out of 10 as a guideline -- to the questions the IOC delegates should be asking their hosts, or themselves.

1) Where would I rather go for my holidays?

No self-respecting delegate will stoop to conquer the complexities of actually evaluating the respective bids. That would involve an awful lot of reading and might force the delegate into thinking, which would obviously cause much distress.

The initial question that all delegates must ask is this: Can I have a good time in this city?

Osaka -- Yes, you can have a good time providing you see all the bits around Osaka and ignore the city itself. 5/10.

Beijing -- Great walls, forbidden cities, thump-the-yogi contests, not much else. 7/10.

Istanbul -- Blue Mosques, blue nightclubs, blue sea (if you go far enough). 6/10.

Paris -- Great sights, shame about the people. 6/10.

Toronto -- CN Tower, the biggest phallic symbol in the world overlooking one of the biggest puddles: Lake Ontario. Dynamic, it ain't. 5/10.

2) Are the citizens rude and obnoxious to foreigners?

Osaka -- There are thousands of Koreans and Japanese of Korean descent in Osaka and anyone who knows Koreans knows that they can make even Parisians look polite.

On the other hand, the openness of the Osakans (and Koreans) is a welcome relief from the many anally retentive citizens to be found in Japan's capital. Nevertheless your average foreigner might feel a bit intimidated by the overt raffishness of your average Osakan. 4/10.

Beijing -- Reports this week from Beijing have emphasized how much the local citizens really, really want to get the Games. Of course, all these people had short haircuts and wore the same clothes and referred to each other as colonel, sergeant, or corporal, so a little bit of a credibility problem on this one. 7/10, bearing in mind that all dissenters will be hanged.

Istanbul -- All the Turks I've met have been overtly friendly, making it difficult to determine if they are being genuinely so or just want to take me for a nice bath. Declining invitations of hospitality might prove tricky. 5/10.

Paris -- Talk about no-hopers. Even other French people find Parisians unpleasant. If the people in all the other countries in Europe were black, Paris would be the most racist place on Earth (probably tied with South Korea). 0/10.

Toronto -- No problem here, probably because Toronto is a city formed by foreigners. It's true they don't like Quebecois and Americans, so, that's an easy 10/10.

3) Are athletes, fans and locals likely to be run over by tanks in the middle of town?

Osaka -- Japan has no defenses, as the North Koreans know only too well, so there is little likelihood of getting run over by a tank in Osaka. However, the de facto defenders of the realm -- the men in black who support the Emperor by driving enormous speaker systems around town reminding everyone of the good old days (1900-45) -- might cause a problem or two. 4/10.

Beijing -- Yes (but you will get on CNN). 0/10.

Istanbul -- There's a lot of military hardware in Turkey as the Turks alternatively repel/defend the Kurds in Iraq and NATO defends the Western World from Saddam Hussein. Some of these might stray into Olympic venues and assume defensive postures (unless you're a Kurd, when you'll just hope it's your lucky day). 3/10.

Paris -- In Paris, the only likelihood is getting run over by drunks in the middle of town. 8/10.

Toronto -- Does Canada have an army? My colleague Dan Moscoe says: "Yes, but I don't think we call it an army, and I don't think we have many tanks. And if we do, I'm sure most of the drivers will be too stoned to drive properly." 7/10.

4) Are innocent sports fans likely to be stabbed?

Osaka -- Difficult question. The crime rate in Japan is low, but the number of complete loonies (and 17-year-olds) committing horrendous crimes in Japan is rising at an alarming rate -- and some of them, I should point out, are not members of the government. Point of advice: Be on your guard at all times. In 2008, there will be even more loonies out there as the economy runs out of control. 5/10.

Beijing -- Only if they are members of Falun Gong (and if they have stopped burning). 8/10.

Istanbul -- Heartily yes. There is little doubt that stabbing foreigners has an excellent chance of becoming a demonstration sport if Istanbul gets the Games. Only last year, local soccer fans turned a couple of Leeds United supporters into kebabs, and when there aren't any foreign supporters to slash, they practice on their fellow Turks. 0/10.

Paris -- No, the French only stab British governments in the back. 7/10.

Toronto -- The dark side of Toronto has grown in recent years as it -- like many other cities in Europe and North America -- has chosen to import crime from overseas. Nevertheless, Toronto is relatively safe (unless you're from Quebec). 7/10.

5) Has the country staged previous events successfully?

Osaka -- No problem. Japan has hosted three successful Olympics: Tokyo in 1964, Sapporo in 1972 and Nagano in 1998. It will host the World Games (main sport: tug of war) in Akita and the East Asian Games in Osaka later this year, as well as soccer's World Cup next year. Oh dear, I was meant to forget about that, wasn't I.

The World Cup will be held successfully next year despite the attempts by Japan's organizers to screw everything up. The World Cup has been a lesson in throwing spanners into wheels at every opportunity. On the plus side for Osaka is the fact that it can learn from the mistakes of the World Cup. Being Japan, of course, it won't. 7/10.

Beijing -- China has successfully staged The Long March, the Cultural Revolution, the annexation of Tibet and the slaughter of students campaigning for democracy. Reports are emerging that Beijing is already trampling over its citizenry in order to make way for the Games. Even better for them, the death and suppression of those who are likely to get in the way of the Olympics won't even be a factor in the IOC's determining process. 7/10.

Istanbul -- Istanbul is home to the . . . errrr . . . Istanbul International Jazz Festival and the Krazy World of Kebabs. In the 1600s, they staged the takeover of most of the Middle East and even parts of Europe -- indeed, they made Yugoslavia what it is today. Oh dear. 2/10.

Paris -- If Paris gets the Games, it will become the first city to host the Olympics three times. The last time it was held in Paris was 1924. Of course, France successfully staged the 1998 World Cup and the invasion of Europe by Disneyland. So the IOC should fit right in there. 9/10.

Toronto -- Montreal staged the 1976 Olympics, but almost did an Athens by cocking everything up along the way (the main stadium -- nicknamed the Big Owe -- wasn't finished until after the Games were over). Taxes had to be raised through the roof, so to speak, to pay for the Games (so far, they have paid off the mobile toilets). 3/10.

6) Who will pay me the most to vote for them?/Will I get caught?

Osaka -- We will/no (you can blame everything on your secretary). 9/10.

Beijing -- We will/no (but if you are, you will be hanged in public -- another potential Olympic demonstration sport). 7/10.

Istanbul -- We will (do you take kebabs?)/yes (but it's a sign of masculinity). 3/10.

Paris -- We will (and we'll also pay for the whore of your own republic)/yes (you can make millions from the book). 8/10.

Toronto -- We will (the taxpayers will pay for everything and we'll only build half a stadium)/yes (but you can go and hide in the United States and make money on lecture tours). 5/10.

7) Will the Olympic site poison the land/air and/or the fans?

Osaka -- Only the purest toxic chemicals have been used to fill the land underneath the Olympic sites. No locals will be affected by the ingredients (they've built up immunity over time). If any overseas visitors fall sick, they can blame their own governments for using inferior materials at home. 3/10.

Beijing -- No, in line with accepted practice in the West, we have stopped using depleted uranium in the bullets we shoot our own citizens with. We now export these to Iraq to help defend their . . . er . . . democracy. You will also remember that a high percentage of the landfill in Tiananmen Square is organic (except those who were wearing plastic shoes). 6/10.

Istanbul -- What, you think we make Olympic sites out of kebabs? Don't be so bloody stupid. Our landfill is imported directly from Kurdistan. 6/10.

Paris -- Paris has the highest standards of ecological awareness and the only toxic chemicals we use are the ingredients for our incomparable cuisine. 6/10.

Toronto -- Every Canadian citizen is fully aware of the impact of misusing and wasting chemicals. No chemicals are wasted in keeping our citizens wasted. 8/10.

8) Is the government corrupt/incompetent?

Osaka -- It should come as no surprise that until recently, Osaka's governor was a comedian who thought sexual harassment was another Olympic sport. The now-disgraced Knock Yokoyama thought that local politics should reflect national politics, so he set about making a mockery of the electorate and ended up in court -- exactly where most of Japan's politicos belong. Believe in Japan's motto: You can't keep a rotten politician down. 0/10.

Beijing -- Beijing is trying, apparently, to stamp out corruption in China. Every now and then, some senior official is ceremoniously hung for taking kickbacks. This, they say, is a sign of China's developing democracy. Unfortunately, it's the only one. In some ways, China's government is ruthlessly efficient and it will have no problem stamping out any resistance to the Olympics. On the other hand, some see the government there as barking mad and still Asia's Big Brother. 3/10.

Istanbul -- Europeans don't know whether to treat Turkey as a Western state or a Middle East country. Turkey wins both ways. As a European country, it's accorded a sense of status (it's a member of NATO and is line to join the European Union); as a Middle East country it's seen as a democracy in a Third World of mysogyny (it even had a female prime minister a few years ago). The government here doesn't have to be that good. Unfortunately, that's what they thought about Greece, and, despite being sworn enemies, Turkey is just too close to Greece to be a decent risk. 6/10.

Paris -- Is there anyone outside France that actually trusts a French government? With the current levels of scandal over there, you'd think France's politicians have modeled themselves entirely on the Japanese version. Like Japan (and George Orwell's Animal Farm), it looks like the farmers are being replaced by the pigs. 3/10.

Toronto -- Canada is an English country run by a Frenchman. 'Nuff said. 1/10.

9) Are there any frightening cults or other weirdos to worry about?

Osaka -- Aum Shinrikyo, which tried to gas Tokyo, still exists and still reveres guru Shoko Asahara. Cults don't come much more loony or evil than this one. Even more worrying is that some Japanese are still joining up. And there's a lot more cults out there. Be scared -- VERY scared! 1/10.

Beijing -- Falun Gong, which is trying to take over the government by meditating (the LDP has already done this in Japan). Also, the Chinese Communist Party, which realizes that it's far more efficient just to wipe out all opposition. 2/10.

Istanbul -- Turkish Cypriots, who have taken over half the island of Cyprus and blocked all efforts to give it back. 4/10.

Paris -- Parisians, who have followed the lead of the government in refusing to speak English to anyone, ever. 3/10.

Toronto -- Toronto's nickname is "Toronto the Good" -- SPOOKY!!!!!! 7/10.

10) How easy it to buy sex? (Ed.'s note: IOC members have been banned from accepting sexual favors as incentives.)

Osaka -- Very easy, although it's probably easier to get it for free -- unless you're the governor of Osaka. 10/10.

Beijing -- Available at all good hotels (free for IOC members). 7/10.

Istanbul -- Just as there are no Turkish baths in Japan, there are no soaplands in Turkey. Coincidence? (If you pop down the baths, try to avoid the "Midnight Express Special.") 4/10.

Paris -- The sleazy bits are really sleazy; the non-sleazy bits are really expensive (unless you work for ELF Petroleum or the government). If you want to be really French, do it yourself. 1/10.

Toronto -- "Things have really picked up recently," my Toronto sources assure me. "Just pick up a copy of Now magazine and check out the ads. Most of the goods on offer are imported from the Far East." 7/10.

The score

Here are the scores from our in-depth evaluation of the candidates.Osaka -- 48/100;Beijing -- 54/100;Istanbul -- 39/100;Paris -- 51/100;Toronto -- 60/100.Order of finish:1 -- Osaka (see question 6)2 -- Toronto3 -- Beijing4 -- Paris5 -- Istanbul (but the Turks do have the best food).