Tuesday, March 21, marks 春分の日 (shunbun no hi, Vernal Equinox Day), known more simply as the official first day of 春 (haru, spring).
While this time of year is known for the appearance of 桜 (sakura, cherry blossoms), another tradition that takes place on 春分の日 is お墓参り (o-haka mairi), which is the visiting of their ancestors’ graves. It is also practiced on 秋分の日 (shūbun no hi, Autumnal Equinox Day) on Sept. 23 and, to a greater degree, during the お盆 (o-bon, Bon) festival that will take place between Aug. 13 to 16 this year.
お墓 (O-haka, Graves) have a strong cultural significance in Japan and visiting them is said to strengthen a sense of family. Usually, the 長男 (chōnan, eldest son) in the family is meant to take care of the family grave and, in return, he traditionally inherits the bulk of what his parents leave behind.
日本ではたいてい長男が家とお墓を継ぎます(Nihon dewa taitei chōnan ga ie to o-haka o tsugimasu, In Japan, the eldest son usually inherits the house and grave). The eldest son is also expected to take care of his aging parents.
Unlike other cultures in which 土葬 (dosō, burial) is the preferred way to deal with a ご遺体 (go-itai, dead body), most Japanese families opt for 火葬 (kasō, cremation). After 火葬, the お骨 (o-kotsu, bones/ashes) of the deceased are placed in the family grave. They are placed with other members of the family in one お墓, which means that after death we all become a part of our ご先祖様 (go-senzo sama, ancestors).
So what do Japanese people do when they visit their family graves? Usually they’ll start by cleaning the 墓石 (hakaishi, tombstone) and the area around it, removing weeds and debris. Then they will make five お供え物 (o-sonaemono, offerings): 仏花 (bukka, flowers), 線香 (senkō, incense), 蝋燭 (rōsoku, candles), お水 (o-mizu, water) and 食べ物 (tabemono, food). お供え物は墓石の前に置いた後、合掌して祈ります (O-sonaemono wa hakaishi no mae ni oita ato, gasshō shite inorimasu, After you put the offerings in front of the gravestone, you place your hands together and pray). When praying, some people may also お経を詠む (o-kyō o yomu, recite a Buddhist sutra).
After the 祈り (inori, prayer), people will pour water over the 墓石 using a special 柄杓 (hishaku, ladle) and 手桶 (teoke, pail), which are made available to visitors by the temple or cemetery. You use similar tools to wash your hands on the way into temples and shrines, and this final act is meant to purify the grave.
My own parents are in their 80s and, since it is too hot for お墓参り in the summer during お盆, they prefer to tend to the family grave on 春分の日. However, as they get older they are increasingly concerned: うちには跡取りがいない。誰がお墓を守っていくのかしら？ (Uchi ni wa atotori ga inai. Dare ga o-haka o mamotte-iku no kashira?, We have no heirs, who will take care of the grave?)
I have a twin sister and a younger brother. My younger brother is a 末っ子長男 (suekko chōnan) meaning he is the youngest child and eldest son. Traditionally, the 日部 (Kabe) line should pass on through him, but he has no children. As a result, my mother turned to me.
母： あなたは結婚しても日部の姓を名乗っているわよね。
私： そうだよ。私は国際結婚だから法律で夫婦別姓が認められてるんだ。
母： だったら、あなたやあなたの子どもたちは日部のお墓に入れるわ。
私： ええ？ でも私は女だから、本当ならお嫁にいって日部家からは出ているはずだから。。。
母： でも、あなたの長男が日部家のお墓を守ってくれたら嬉しいわ。
私： それはちょっと。。。もう墓じまいした方がいいんじゃない？
Haha: Anata wa kekkon shitemo Kabe no sei o nanotte-iru wa yo ne.
Watashi: Sō dayo. Watashi wa kokusai kekkon dakara hōritsu de fūfu bessei ga mitomerarete-iru-n da.
Haha: Dattara, anata ya anata no kodomo-tachi wa Kabe-ke no o-haka ni haireru wa.
Watashi: Ee? Demo watashi wa onna dakara, hontō nara o-yome ni itte, Kabe-ke kara wa dete-iru hazu dakara...
Haha: Demo, anata no chōnan ga Kabe-ke no o-haka o mamotte-kuretara ureshii wa.
Watashi: Sore wa chotto... Mō, hakajimai shita hō ga ii-n-janai?
Mother: Even though you got married, you continue to use the Kabe name.
Me: That’s right. Since I’m in an “international marriage,” the law allows me to keep my family name (though it’s) different from my husband’s.
Mother: Then you and your children could be placed in the Kabe family grave.
Me: Huh? But I am a woman (and therefore a daughter), so truthfully I should be leaving the Kabe family as a bride (and to another family if I would have married a Japanese person)...
Mother: But I would be happy if your eldest son would take care of the grave of the Kabe family for us.
Me: Hmm, I’m not sure about that. Wouldn’t it be better to dismantle the grave already?
For readers wondering what we’d do with the remains of relatives if we stopped caring for the grave, usually the temple or cemetery taking care of the ashes would place them in a joint burial area. Family members are then only obligated to pay a one-time 永代供養 (eitai kuyō) payment for services performed in perpetuity by the temple or cemetery.
When I got married, I thought I’d keep my name since I had already established myself in my career. I never thought I’d be pulled back into the discussions about the future of the family line. Listening to this recurring conversation between my mother and I, my twin sister, who married a Japanese man, can only say 私に関係なくてよかった (Watashi ni kankei nakute yokatta, I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with that). My sister took her husband’s name when she got married, and she is completely out of this Kabe family matter.
Maintenance of お墓 is becoming increasingly more difficult due to 少子高齢化 (shōshi kōreika), which is the Japanese term for a declining birthrate and growing aging population. As a result, 葬儀社 (sōgisha, funeral homes) have begun offering nontraditional forms of afterlife care such as 樹木葬 (jumokusō, arboricultural burial) and 海洋散骨 (kaiyō sankotsu, scattering the ashes at sea). By doing this, children do not have to worry about tending to their ancestors’ graves.
Japanese law does not prohibit 土葬, however most 墓地 (bochi, graveyards) and 霊園 (reien, cemeteries) are somewhat full. So if you are thinking about where you would like to spend your 永眠 (eimin, eternal sleep), you may want to research options early on. My mother-in-law, for example, was born in Tunisia and she told us, 「遺灰を地中海に撒いてほしい」 (“Ihai o chichūkai ni maite hoshii,” “I want my ashes to be scattered in the Mediterranean Sea”). How about you, どこでどのように葬られたいですか？ (doko de dono yōni hōmuraretai desu ka?, where and how do you want to be buried?)
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