It is essential to have a file of fillers to turn to in times of need, like when I suddenly decide to take a trip, this one to Honolulu to stay in a friend's apartment while she is away and need to have seven completed columns before departure (tomorrow). This is the last one. It starts with a repeat of a poem about my favorite computer program, spellcheck: I have a spelling checker, it came with my PC. It plainly marks four my revue mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your pleas too no, Its letter perfect in its weigh -- My checker tolled me sew.

Next, an entry billed as Amazing Math Trick:

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out. 2. Multiply this number by 2. 3. Add 5. 4. Multiply this number by 50. 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748. 6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number, how many times you want to go out each week. The second two digits are your age. This, we are told, is the only year it will ever work.

It was sent to me by my son Laer in California who is always there when I need him, this time to help fill a column. My other son, Chris, is in Honolulu. He recently arranged a special summer "tanabata" party hosted by Hawaii's Sakekai, an organization designed to promote the proper way of drinking sake in the West. There were tanabata decorations hanging from palm trees and artificial bamboo branches, all from Tokyo's Kuramae wholesale area. Here is Laer's poem. It should be useful to those of you who teach English.

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough. Well done! And now you wish, perhaps, To learn of less familiar traps. Beware of heard: a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird. And dead: it's said like bed not bead -- And never, ever call it deed. Watch out for meat and great and threat (They rhyme with suite and straight and debt!) A moth is not the moth in mother; Nor both in bother, broth in brother; And here is not a match for there, Nor dear and fear for bear and pear. And then there's dose and rose and lose, Dies and diet, goose and choose, And do and go and thwart and cart. And yet we've hardly made a start. I will teach you in my verse Words like corps, corks, horse and worse. For this phonetic labyrinth Gives monkey, donkey, ninth and plinth; Wounded, rounded, grieve and sieve; Friend and fiend; alive and live; Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Topsails, aisles; lord and word, Earth and hearth and clerk and herd; Evil, devil, tomb, bomb, comb; Doll, roll, dull, bull, some and home. Finally -- for I've said enough -- Try through though thorough plough cough and tough!

One more? An old recording by Victor Borge, gifted pianist and humorist who sang a song about inflation. Since everything is up these days, he suggested it should apply to our language. Thus before should become befive, wonderful, twoderful. With that he began his love story: Once upon a time became twice upon a time, Don Juan was Don Two, decorate became decornine and my favorite, the cool comment of the lady confronted by her two lovers: Anytwo for elevenis?

Those were good days, when humor was not dependent entirely upon sex and scandals.