‘Kappei’: The end can’t come soon enough

Credible action stars are a rare breed in Japanese cinema, but Hideaki Ito is the real deal: tall, handsome and with a rippling athleticism that makes him equally convincing playing a rescue diver, samurai or lumberjack.

He would have been a natural choice for a screen version of “Fist of the North Star,” the classic manga series about a beefcake martial artist fighting for justice in a post-apocalyptic world. As the eponymous hero of Takashi Hirano’s “Kappei,” Ito gets the next best thing — only the setting is today’s Tokyo, and the apocalypse never happened.

He plays one of a group of buff warriors, who’ve been training since childhood for the end of the world. According to Nostradamus, that was due to take place in 1999, but now it’s 2022 and their master (Arata Furuta) abruptly calls it quits, sending his disciples out to fend for themselves.

Arriving in central Shibuya, Kappei makes quite an impression in his denim vest, short pants and biker gloves. After rescuing weedy university student Keita (Daigo Nishihata) from some thugs, he’s taken to a cherry-blossom viewing party where he promptly falls in love with the sweet, unthreatening Haru (Moka Kamishiraishi).

In the course of his training, Kappei has been schooled in some dubious lessons about the opposite sex. Set loose in the outside world, he’s like a horny adolescent in the body of a middle-aged man. Our hero also finds he has a romantic rival, in the form of fellow warrior Hideo (Yukiyoshi Ozawa) — never mind that both of them are old enough to be Haru’s father.

This arch silliness is based on a manga series by Kiminori Wakasugi, best known for the equally ridiculous “Detroit Metal City.” It should be fun, but Japanese filmmakers have a habit of turning such material into movies that are barely watchable — just look at the past decade of Takashi Miike’s career.

The film’s fish-out-of-water comedy actually recalls one of the better examples: Hideki Takeuchi’s “Thermae Romae” (2012), in which an architect from ancient Rome is transported to present-day Japan. Yet, while Takeuchi managed to create a coherent world, “Kappei” just stumbles along from one gag to the next, with little sense of pacing or vibe.

Hirano doesn’t aim for the relentless zaniness of many comic book adaptations, but there are long stretches that are simply dull. The panels from Wakasugi’s manga that appear over the end credits — showing how slavishly the film stuck to its source material — have more energy than any of what’s come before.

The cast aren’t to blame. Ito and his costars resist the urge to wink at the audience, even when sporting outfits that look like they came from the costume section of a Don Quijote discount store. Nishihata proves an effective comic foil, while Kamishiraishi enlivens what could have been a thanklessly bland role.

The biggest mystery is Hirano himself, a veteran producer who’s been working in the business for three decades but is only now making his directorial debut. In the press notes, he spouts some lofty nonsense about how “Kappei” is really about minorities, comparing it to Charlie Chaplin’s socially conscious comedies, “Gulliver’s Travels” and “Don Quixote.”

Whatever, dude. The film’s millenarian meatheads aren’t the only ones who are out of touch with reality.