While the general premise of Chichi no Hi, or Father's Day, doesn't differ much from that in other countries, the experience of fatherhood here — especially for fathers who hail from foreign countries — is special. And with the holiday fast approaching, it’s probably best not to leave grabbing some yellow roses or grabbing some yellow roses, a box of sweets or sake for your old man for your old man until the last minute.
Whether you have a father or father figure you’re looking to honor — or you are one yourself — what fathers told The Japan Times about their experiences and approaches to parenting may explain why these guys get a day all their own.
Northern papa
When Chris Knoepfler, 37 and originally from Minnesota, isn’t researching English education on the Kushiro campus of Hokkaido Education University, you’ll find him walking the quiet side streets of Kushiro watching his 18-month-old daughter, Julie, discover the world.
What's your hope for your daughter? I want her to have options in life. I want her to be able to do what she wants. If she wants to live in Japan or in the United States, (I want her) to have those options and feel like she's a part of both cultures. Of course, bilingualism is a challenge.
I hope that she will be someone who cares about other people and to be instilled with curiosity. I want her to find joy in the world around her.
How does her life in Japan support that hope? I think being in Japan is fantastic. For the most part, I think people are conscientious and they care about other people.
And, you know, sometimes I feel like people follow the rules sometimes just to follow the rules. We want to raise her to be someone who follows the rules but on top of that to become an ethical human being who can think for herself and (who) can make judgments for herself about what's right and wrong — not just because people say it's right.
Sudden fatherhood
If you ever meet Cory McGowan, 52, it’ll probably be in the mountains of Gunma Prefecture. Currently working as a professional life coach, he’s originally from Massachusetts and father to two teenage boys, Taiyo and Sky. McGowan says that despite his alpine hobbies, he has yet to experience anything as challenging and rewarding as fatherhood.
How did you become a father? I was introduced to my Japanese wife through a friend of ours. He had kind of thought we'd be a good match for a while, but she was traveling and I was up to stuff, so it took a while for us to finally meet.
And we did, we hit it off, and she got pregnant within three months. The idea of committing long term was always one where I got cold feet (in the past), but this was one where I felt like, “Well, I'm going to do this.”
How did her parents react? I met her parents for the first time to tell them that she was pregnant. It was probably one of the best meetings like that that you've ever heard about. Her father just laughed and said, “Oh yeah, her sister introduced us to her boyfriend two weeks ago to tell us the same thing.”
All is well, though. My wife and I will celebrate our 17th anniversary this year.”
What do you credit for the longevity of your marriage? It's easy to get pulled into things like fatherhood and partnership and all the responsibilities that come with that, and that's important. But to lose yourself in that is to lose sight of who you actually are.
(You risk) not being able to show up to any of those things in the fullness that you could if you're continuing to do your own (thing), of self-examination and exploration and finding things that feed your soul. Otherwise your partner and your kids don't get the fullest expression of who you are because you're not sure and you're not showing up in that way.
Tropical tantrums
For Californian Randall Murchison, 49, watching his daughter grow up in Okinawa brings a healthy bit of nostalgia as he grew up there, the son of a U.S. serviceman.
How do you teach your child to navigate the ups and downs of life? I’ve always practiced mindfulness and meditation, and I'm able to transfer what I get out of it to my daughter — teaching her methods to control her emotions. When I was young, I never learned the things that I teach my daughter.
Every kid, including my daughter, has temper tantrums, and they’ll act up. For example, if my daughter is having a tantrum, I can tell her, “OK, deep breaths. Go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Take some deep breaths. Look at yourself and tell yourself that you can do better.”
What is important is that I model that same mindfulness for her to learn.
It’s all about learning and adapting to have more patience. I think that it's a quality that was always there for me. But having a daughter really brought it out.
What else do you think you get from being a father? The ability to analyze and think about situations and come up with some wisdom and impress it upon my child. Not just to communicate with her but for her to be empowered by it. When I see it work, I feel so redeemed.
What does the road ahead look like? Navigating the education system. It's still a challenge to work with teachers. I can speak Japanese, but I'm not perfect. And there's a lot of involvement with school and expectations as parents. But it's still so early as she's in first grade. Just watching her being at a young age and getting through school and learning to navigate it all, plus understanding three languages — I'm amazed at how quickly she's advancing.
Post-pandemic baby
Mid-pandemic blues didn’t put a damper on Kareem Sait’s wedding to his wife in 2021. A few years on, the 32-year-old Canadian welcomed back normalcy with an extra set of open arms: Their son, Ryo, was born in Tokyo 11 months ago.
How was it to see your son for the first time? It was such a joyous and triumphant feeling. I was in the hospital room with my wife, and I just remember holding him and being like, “Oh, man, I want to protect this little guy. This is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced.
I just kept thinking over and over again, “I got you, buddy. You're going to be good. You're here now and let's go!”
How do you manage decision-making as a new father? “Do as the Romans do,” they say. When my son was born, my parents, who are of Indian descent, recommended we shave his head to help his hair grow later. Since that isn’t what they do here in Japan, we opted not to.
It can be small things like what temperature to leave the bedroom at for a newborn. The books I read recommended it be cool whereas my wife read ones from Japan that called for warmer temperatures. Managing different cultural interests in child rearing may seem daunting but good communication is key.
If your son finds this article, what’s a message that you’d want him to read? The only thing that I want him to be is my son, and I already have that. There's nothing that he could do or couldn't do or didn't do or should have done that would make me not proud of him. If things didn't work out the way he would have liked to, I want him to know that I couldn't be more proud of him because all I ever need him to be is my son (and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan).
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