Marine Day sets off startling new theory on global terrorism


As you know, the national holiday on July 16, called Marine Day, has come and gone. Or, to be more correct, it came in on the typhoon and left on the typhoon.

Marine Day is a day to celebrate the sea, but this year, the sea picked itself up and threw itself at us as Typhoon Manyi.

Typhoons are in the news early this year. But this is not a sign of global warming. It’s a sign of global terrorism — the globe is after us! And the weather has its role in it with typhoon training camps in Southeast Asia, where the typhoon cells are formed. Call it El Nino, call it al-Qaida, but there is no doubt that terrorist typhoons are out to get us.

The question about these typhoons is, of course, why do they hate us?

Down in Southeast Asia at this very moment, hundreds of equations are taking place, which is why this area is called the equator. Typhoons are formed just above the equator and gain strength and speed as they move north.

From the equator, typhoon command central so to speak, typhoons can easily be monitored, perhaps even guided by remote control.

The first thing you must understand about typhoons is that they are whorls. Whorls are made up of rain bands and are propelled by, get this, the earth’s rotation. Really. We are spinning faster than you think! Which is why sometimes when you get up too fast, you get a head rush.

The earth spins fastest at the equator: about 1,600 kph. Wouldn’t you like to have a car on the equator? The earth’s circumference is about 40,000 km at the equator, so if you could lock into the earth’s spin, you could drive around the world in just a day. It also would be a great place to hold the Indy 500.

Why is the world spinning so fast? My guess is that the world is trying to fling off civilization. How do you think the dinosaurs became extinct? They were sent flying off into the universe. Think about it, the moon is probably just a giant dinosaur egg. Let’s hope it never hatches.

Anyway, back to the whorls, the way the typhoons work is that the base of the whorl sucks up warm air on the surface of the sea, which propels it. From here it becomes a tropical depression. When a tropical depression goes troppo, it’s a typhoon.

Historically, typhoons in Japan were always numbered, starting over with No. 1 at the beginning of each season. Typhoon Manyi, for example, was Typhoon No. 4. As Japan averages over 20 typhoons per year, this was a simple method of keeping track of them.

But in 1995, Japan started naming typhoons. I’m not sure why, but perhaps it is because they finally figured out how to tell if a typhoon is a male or female. So now they can separating the whorls from the boys.

Do you think the typhoons have last names too? And do the females keep their maiden names? Typhoon Manyi seems to indicate that the typhoon is indeed from Southeast Asia, since Southeast Asians often go by only one name.

At any rate, we really need to think of ways to combat global terrorism. And I have an idea. It has to do with setting out to destroy the whorls (and I am not being sexist).

Typhoons in the Northern Hemisphere spin counterclockwise. This is important because if we could get typhoons to reverse direction, and spin clockwise, they could throw back everything they took up in the first place. Or just get them to reverse backward over the same path.

It would also really help if we could change to square typhoons. With the wind having to negotiate right angles, the typhoons couldn’t get nearly as big or strong.

Or perhaps the shape of an isosceles triangle, with two equal sides would be good because then we could even hold the world’s largest yacht race. But why limit it to yachts? Flying cars, rooftops and other typhoon debris could participate. It would be the biggest race in the hole whorld.

In the meantime, do your part to help fight global terrorism: Get rid of any globes you may be harboring in your house.