Book on classic parenting hits half-million nerves

As the Japanese birthrate falls to a new record low, and the media focus on disruptive youngsters and classroom chaos (with 17-year-olds coming in for especially harsh criticism), it comes as no surprise that so many young adults are rejecting marriage and fearful of parenthood. How will they manage, they wonder. How does anyone know how best to bring up a child?

Common sense and a few simple rules, says Dorothy Law Nolte, who was more than a little surprised to learn in her native California that a book she cowrote in 1998, based on a poem she penned in the 1950s, had already sold 650,000 copies in Japanese translation. "I believe the success of 'Children Learn What They Live' is due to timing, meaning and need. Children are in trouble all over the world, but I've been hearing horror stories ever since I flew in."

She had arrived in Tokyo on June 25 for just one week. Her first visit to Japan, she laughed when asked if she was enjoying her stay. "My dear, all I've seen is my hotel room, street scenes from taxis, and this room. I'm stunned by the numbers of people, of course, but Tokyo seems beautiful. I was surprised by how green it is. A friend's taking me to Kamakura on Saturday."

"This room" was in Sanban-cho, on the sixth floor of PHP, the publishing house responsible for bringing "Children Learn What They Live -- Parenting to Inspire Values," written by Nolte and friend Dr. Rachel Harris, to the attention of Japanese readers. Seated in majesty and being treated with all due reverence by PHP staffers, Nolte remained gracious and attentive despite a long hard day. "I've done an amazing number of interviews. But no, I'm fine, it's just we have to be finished by 5." (Since by the time all intercultural pleasantries were exchanged it was near 4:30, it seemed necessary to get our skates on.)

Born and raised in Los Angeles, Dorothy Law Nolte studied nursing. After marriage and motherhood, she eventually went back to school to study human relations. But following World War II, America was short of nurses, so she returned to work in a hospital for a couple of years. She first wrote the poem in 1954. "I never imagined it would become a classic." The last time she revised it was in 1972, the edition printed here with kind permission.

In the mid-1960s she began a dissertation for a Ph.D., via America's University Without Walls. "Concerned with the spiritual values of parents, I spent five years preparing expectants for childbirth. The hospital I worked at in Orange County was the first in the U.S. to open delivery rooms to fathers and encourage their support during labor. Too many hospitals set up guardrails."

During that time, she and her teaching team brought 750 babies into the world. She remains in touch with many members of that team, but sadly few of their deliveries, all now in their mid- to late 30s. "I recently heard from one student I trained in 1965. She and a another student remain good friends. I met her in May in Boston, where she was working in a child-care center. There she was, a registered nurse teaching childbirth, and a family therapist. She's done so well. I'll be meeting the other ex-student, her friend, very soon. These days we're closer than we ever imagined possible."

Four years ago, with her poem in translation in 22 languages worldwide, she decided to flesh out the 19 couplets to create a book. "I called on Rachel to help. She's in New Jersey, I'm on the West Coast, but we did it together. Our purpose was to provide mothers and fathers with inspiration for good parenting." America has the same problems as in Japan, she says: child abuse, delinquency. It's not that families have changed -- most parents do the best they can. Rather the environment has changed, with more separations and divorce.

Problems arise if the rules set in the mother's house fail to match those in the father's home. "Also there's tremendous pressure on kids in the States to excel in sports; here I believe the emphasis on study causes damage." The main thing is for parents to put their own feelings and needs aside and work together for the sake of their children. Also she believes community services need to be expanded. "A young murderer is everyone's responsibility. It's not a matter of casting blame but deciding what to do about it."

Now 77, Nolte grew up with radio as the sole distraction from a close-knit family life. "I was only allowed to listen at certain times. And homework always came first. Also I was expected to take responsibility from an early age. Home was a community, a triad of dependence, interdependence and independence." Now it's a place to eat and sleep, with times in-between taken up by TV, videos, CDs, computer games and the demands of school, parents and peers.

Pointing to piles of cards, she explained how Japanese readers of her book had posted them to PHP with information on where and why they had bought the title, and what they had got out of it. By June 27 she had spoken to 700 parents -- largely mothers, as might be expected -- at a department store on the topic "Parenting From Inner Wisdom." "We then did some exercises to help smooth them out, letting go of tension. We all need quietness for inner reflection."

Talking about the joys and pain of book signings, she thought her hands were holding up rather well, considering: "Just this morning 175 women came, many with small children, with books to be signed. Parents who go out of their way to buy my book are already doing their best. But even the most caring and concerned are finding themselves struggling with children they cannot control and understand."

She teaches. She lectures. And with "Children Learn What They Live" already spreading the word in eight languages, there are new book titles in the pipeline: "Teenagers Learn What They Live" in 2001, "Families Learn What They Live" for 2002. "I guess we could go on forever, or until we no longer can!"

All she did to create the book was take each couplet of her poem as a chapter heading and give it a basic set of principles. "Rachel and I then interwove each set with stories drawn from life to make a particular point," she explained, still patient, still calm and cool in a lightweight cotton two-piece in scarlet and gold. "When parents first read my poem they often say, 'Oh, I know that.' It's true, they probably do. The poem -- and now my book -- is simply a connection to what they already know in their inner wisdom -- what we call common sense."

She believes each child is unique and has a center of creativity and wisdom that is his or hers alone. As they too become parents, they only need help in tapping this to do the best job they can. Just as she has seen her own children flourish, so she is now watching two grandchildren and six great-grandchildren facing the world with a similar confidence, responsibility and joy.

If she has one message for parents, it is to use the time they have to make sure it is the best time possible. "When my husband became ill, I slowed down to ensure we had quality time together before he died." And don't complain, she advises; rather do something about it. Take constructive action.

Like read the poem. And if that does not do the job alone, go buy the book.