NEW YORK — And now, for your dining and dancing pleasure, we offer an encore holiday performance of the Portland Penal Colony in “The 12 Visitation Days Of Christmas.”

In case you silenced your satellite before the conclusion of last Friday’s 113-111 Blazer win in Oakland, the NBA had to call out, er, separate the irrational guards before a riot — that ignited immediately after Rasheed Wallace’s buzzer-beating fade-away decided matters — could be quelled.

Beguiling Bonzi Wells, who earlier this season mistook Danny Ferry for a spittoon, and Chris Mills detonated the disturbance by pushing and shoving each other at game’s end like last-minute Christmas shoppers.

Since, as best can be determined, there isn’t any league rule against leaving the bench after the W & L are in the record book, just about everyone got involved without risking an automatic one-game suspension; some, like Scottie Pippen, actually qualified as peacemakers.

Not so for Rasheed, Troy Murphy, who threw blows at Wallace, Ruben Patterson, Wells and Mills. Warrior coach Eric Musselman, perhaps looking to cement himself with his players as Jeff Van Gundy did with the Knicks when he tackled Alonzo Mourning, even got into the ugly act by pushing Bonzi.

Naturally, a number of deranged fans felt compelled to exhibit their unbalance by dousing Wallace (with suds and saliva) and other Blazers with invective, prompting one or two of them to seek a meet-and-greet session in the stands (making Vernon Maxwell proud as punch), at which time the police arrived in force.

Such is life along the Oregon jail, er, trail, where the fact that Portland had won a season-high four games and Wells was in the midst of arguably his best three-game run as a pro (30, 30 and 28 on 35-54 FG), is relegated to the back of the bail ticket.

A felony waiting to happen, Wells denied any part in the pugilistic performance. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said. “I think Rasheed hit a big shot and that’s about it. I try to stay away from that stuff.”

As leader of the pack, Pippen did his best to sway public opinion, the public defender and NBA VP Stu Jackson, who normally sentences offenders prior to their next game. “If you write it (Wells’ push) was a punch, I won’t talk to you again,” he told one reporter.

Oh no, how can the folks at Bartlett’s Famous Quotations, stand it.

I only hope Patterson’s wife wasn’t watching. I wouldn’t want her to get the wrong impression about her husband.

Considering that Dikembe Mutombo (owed $17 million and $19 million over next two seasons) and Kerry Kittles are hurt, it’s a mystery to me whom the Nets can give up (Rodney Rogers?) in order to snare a big forward, but that’s what Nets president Rod Thorn is trying to accomplish.

Only Bulls GM Jerry Krause would know if the Nets have what it takes to acquire Marcus Fizer, but there’s no doubt Chicago continues to showcase him and Jamal (Ricky Davis-type potential) Crawford. If Krause isn’t attempting a holdup, both players are well worth a reasonable investment despite their obvious warts, it says here.

From what I’ve seen lately of Jay and Jason Williams, the Bulls’ rookie seriously ought to think about changing his first name to match his Grizzly counterpart in hopes we do confuse the two of them . . . Word has it the Magic and Memphis are again discussing a deal involving Stromile Swift. Brevin Knight also is readily available . . . Just so we’re clear on this; Phil Jackson is back coaching the Lakers again, right?

The Bucks dropped three straight to lottery teams. Not all that surprising considering they’re a lottery team.

George Karl wants Ray Allen to be more of a team leader. But do his teammates really want to follow him? And is that really his composition?

Milwaukee’s only chance to turn around its season hinges on Toni Kukoc when he’s healthy enough to return. Can you imagine?

According to sources, the No. 1 pick obtained from the 76ers by the Nuggets in the three-way deal involving Kenny Thomas and James Posey is protected through No. 8 in 2005 and No. 5 in 2006. Should they decide to wait until 2007, the first-rounder is unprotected . . . Line of the Weak: Nick Van Exel posted zero points (0-5 FG), zero assists and two turnovers in 23 minutes in the Mavericks (first home) loss to the Jazz.

This just in: Damon Stoudamire and Wallace called to say they would be only so glad to rehash the incident.

I may have to rethink my aforementioned knighthood of Robert Horry. Having dubbed him “The Bondsman” during last year’s playoffs for all the times he’s bailed out the Rockets and Lakers over the years, Horry had the audacity to redirect the rock to Rick Fox in the waning seconds of last Friday’s OT loss in Philly.

It don’t make no never-mind to me that Horry found Mr. Vanessa (Williams) wide open cutting to the hole (in all fairness, the pass was slightly behind him) for a budding go-ahead layup, only to see Fox have the orange go right through his hands.

This just in: Ted Williams’ children are fighting over whether or not to defrost the Lakers.

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