Unbeknownst to the youth of today, there was once a time in the not so distant past when hard rock gods roamed the earth. These were larger than life figures that hammered down epic riffs and sonically slaughtered teens in arena after arena, offering escapism to the awkward and unhip savage masses.

Most of the truly iconic 1970s and ’80s hard rock frontmen have, by now, fallen into the dustbin. Plagued by health woes, Ozzy Osbourne has mercifully canceled his latest tour, Steven Tyler has settled gracefully into his role as a reality show sidebar, Jon Bon Jovi now plays tepid inoffensive dad rock and Axl Rose wants to know if you’re going to finish those French fries.

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