Racial dynamics are inescapable when dating in Japan. That doesn't mean your experience will be negative.

When I studied abroad in Japan years ago, I remember being struck by how many people in my program came because of a love for anime.

I also remember how many of those same individuals were anxious to date a Japanese girl — a phenomenon not uncommon to language schools and foreign exchange programs.

“Some of my guy friends at school have admitted that they’ve got a bit of an Asian fetish,” says Emily Brown, a 25-year-old student at a language school in Fukuoka. “They’ll openly admit that they like Asian girls, and there’s also a fetish for foreign guys among Japanese women.”

This dynamic has led to terms like “gaijin hunters” and “yellow fever,” which have complex structural, racial and cultural dynamics behind them. In addition, fetishes and attraction don’t always impact what it’s really like to find love as a person living in Japan.

After talking to people in the international community about dating apps last month, I wanted to ask people what they thought about gender and cultural roles in interracial and intercultural dating. As with the previous article, some of the people I spoke to asked for aliases so that they could keep their private and professional lives separate and speak about their experiences in a more honest way.

A fetish for lighter skin

Japan has a long history of colorism, leading to a preference toward lighter skin tones. This history has roots in traditional ideals of Japanese beauty, which on the surface are completely separate from idealizing white people from Europe and elsewhere. However, after nearly a century of such portrayals in the media, whiteness has been put squarely on a pedestal.

“The over-representation of white people in the Japanese media reproduces whiteness in the U.S. and other white-dominated cultures,” writes Chie Torigoe, a researcher at Seinan Gakuin University. “Japanese media (is) saturated with images of young white females as the standard of beauty.”

Studies, such as Karen Kelsey’s article “Capital and the Fetish of the White Man,” show evidence for a fetish toward white men in Japan. Haruka Suzuki, a corporate professional who spent time living in Malaysia and the Netherlands, agrees.

“I think it’s because in textbooks, the images of gaikokujin (foreign people) are all white,” she says. “If you see foreign models, they’re all white. We’re unconsciously led to believe that white people are attractive because that’s how the media portrays them.”

Both non-Japanese men and women reported experiences with gaijin hunters, the term those in the foreign community use to describe Japanese people who are looking exclusively to date a “gaijin” (foreigner). Reasons for the trend, according to Japanese media and matchmakers, include the perceived desirability and beauty of bicultural babies, the chivalrous image of Western men (as opposed to the stereotypical expectation for women to serve their Japanese husbands) and the potential to leave Japan via a marriage visa. Studies have shown, however, that most gaijin hunters ultimately choose to settle down and marry a fellow Japanese partner.

This phenomenon isn’t exclusive to Japanese women, either. “Ninety percent of the dates I’ve been on have had the guy commenting more about how cool it is that I’m a foreigner,” says Brown, who is white. “Which isn’t enjoyable, because it leaves you asking if they like you for your personality, or just because you’re an English-speaking foreigner.”

Max Lewis, a white American graduate student studying literature in Tokyo, qualifies that most of his experiences being fetishized in this way were very superficial. “People will say I look like someone from a movie, some white celebrity that I don’t look similar to at all,” he says. “Silly comments like those are typically how it comes out. It’s almost a ‘celebrity crush’ phenomenon.”

Lewis says that being complimented in this way tends to be far removed from actual romantic pursuit. “The meaningless public displays of interest or affection don’t necessarily lead to real romantic situations, so I don’t think it’s easier to date Japanese if you’re trying to find people to connect with.”

Dating while Black can sometimes be a much pricklier challenge, according to Thalia Harris, a Black American who lives in Tokyo. “While Black (American) culture is seen as cool, trendy and rebellious, Black people are still sometimes seen as scary and to be avoided. (When it came to dating,) there were too many stereotypes that preceded me. Other times, I was sexually harassed or my appearance was mocked.”

A problematic preference

A heavy body of academic research has established a long-standing exoticization and sexualization of East Asian women. In particular, the image of the “Oriental” woman as quiet and submissive, innocent but interested in and skilled at sex, and a faithful wife and mother plays heavily into male fantasies. These stereotypes have been reinforced by more than a century of media and literature. Experts emphasize that preference based on race objectifies women by making them interchangeable, so considering a specific interest in East Asian women a simple “preference” can lead to racism and even violence.

It’s a reality that Japanese women often experience, both abroad and in Japan. “When I was in the Netherlands, there were a lot of guys who seemed like they just wanted to have an Asian girlfriend,” Suzuki says. “It felt like, ‘Why are you always choosing Asian?’”

Per data reported by NPR, the “white man-Asian woman” pairing is by far the most disproportionately common in the U.S. Japanese surveys likewise show that the “white man-Japanese woman” pairing is significantly more common than “white woman-Japanese man” couples.

Lucy Tanaka, 24, who has a Japanese mother and American father, doesn’t have traditionally Japanese features. Nevertheless, she says she’s been told she’s a “sweet deal” by non-Japanese partners — having “enough Japanese” in her but being American enough to keep up.

“I think it’s the case that a lot of people who come to Japan are turned off by Japanese women once they realize that they’re not going to be soft-spoken, submissive and cutesy, since that’s not true for many Japanese women,” Tanaka says.

The imbalance of these pairings, however, is more than simply an alignment of fetishes. The gap in gender roles and expectations also plays a large role. The non-Japanese women I spoke to in Japan frequently experienced Japanese men being surprised at their assertiveness. “Japanese guys are more used to hearing ‘yes,’ so when foreign women say ‘no’ they’re not used to that,” Brown says.

“When Japanese guys are looking for partners, they have a lot of gender-based expectations about makeup, cooking and so on that a lot of international people won’t want to or be able to fulfill,” Lewis says. “Whereas in the U.S., there is an image of hyper-masculinity that men are expected to live up to that Japanese women aren’t looking for, and there’s more of an ideal of seiketsukan, or cleanliness. It’s natural for people to lean into dating markets where they feel like they’re perceived to be more attractive.”

Differences in expectations

This unseen web of cultural dynamics influences the visible web of racial dynamics, especially in the form of gender roles. Tanaka has been dating Mohammed Akter, who was born Bangladeshi but raised in the U.K., for six months. In each other, they say they have found relief from the norms of Japanese dating culture.

“Dating Japanese guys, I got told off a lot about my appearance: ‘You should be skinnier, you should have straight hair,’” Tanaka says. “There’s also an expectation that the woman is the least intelligent of the couple.”

Akter found that in his experience dating women with a stronger East Asian cultural background involved a lot of structure and pressure. “My (Chinese) ex was overly jealous about me hanging out with (other) girls, and had a very structured approach to a relationship rather than letting things unfold naturally,” he says. “It takes away from the romantic nature of it all.

“My parents always wanted an arranged marriage for me because there’s a level of cultural understanding between the two people. I only realized that they’re right after getting into a relationship through my own means, with someone who’s not a British Bangladeshi Muslim — we’re on the same page, but in slightly different editions of the same book.”

Suzuki agrees that it’s not so much about skin color or cultural background, but whether or not the two partners can be on the same page. “I have a preference for foreign people because they tend to be open-minded and have international experience,” Suzuki says. “If a Japanese guy has a similar experience, I can see him as attractive.”

It can nonetheless be difficult to untangle some of these issues. Should daters really care about fetishism in a historical context? The answer is: to a certain extent — if only because it could be harmful to themselves and their partner in the long run to ignore the dynamics of their attraction.

“It’s really hard to keep that balance where you’re both treating the people in your lives as individuals and also being responsibly aware of the larger sociological structures,” Lewis says. “People shouldn’t let the identity of the other person inhibit who they date, but the sociological level of human history does affect people’s lives, so it’s not right to ignore that.”