Some things are just not meant to be: the Buffalo Bills will never win the Super Bowl, Hideo Nomo will never develop a personality, Ichiro Suzuki will never trade in his bat for a sumo mawashi, and Fred Varcoe will never grace the cover of GQ magazine.
Add to that list the J. League flourishing once again.
While soccer fans came out in droves when the league kicked off back in 1993, these days, it seems, the greater Saitama gateball festival will draw a bigger crowd than a Purple Sanga-Gamba Osaka clash. As few as 2,000 spectators have turned out for some games this past season.
So, in the interests of putting a dying dog out of its misery, here are a few suggestions that just might help rid us of that exercise in futility that passes for pro soccer here in Japan:
* Why not stage a huge international soccer tournament here some time in the next few years. Maybe get some of the top national teams from Europe, Africa and South America to participate. To make things really interesting, some games could even be held over in Korea.
That way, Japanese soccer fans could see first-hand how the game is really supposed to be played, causing them to stay away from the vastly inferior J. League games in even greater numbers, and, therefore, hastening the process of putting it (and us) out of our collective misery.
* Ban all foreign players from the J. League. Who really needs them anyway, now that a lot of the local boys are dying their hair different colors? Those crazy gaijin just get in the way like a bunch of high-salaried pylons when the Japanese players start running around the field like headless chickens.
* Line up games against international soccer powerhouses like New Zealand. With Japan's national team being unable to score on a Hong Kong XI in a recent tournament, how low will they have to go before the powers-that-be decide to pull the plug and just say enough is enough. Japan is currently embroiled in Asian Cup qualifying, which features soccer powder-puffs like Brunei, Macau and Bhutan (who recently lost a real 20-0 nail-biter to Kuwait), and the Kiwis are up in March. But if Japan can't beat them, who's next: Equatorial Guinea, or perhaps Fred Varcoe and his British Football Club buddies?
* Hire a wacky Frenchman who's spent the past few years in the jungles of Africa to turn around Japan's national program. The senior team failed to win a game in 1999. You figure it out.
* Keep that ridiculous two-stage format in the J. League. That way, one team can basically play half a season of potentially meaningless games, giving fans yet another reason to spend their hard-earned yen on pachinko or pokemon rather than the "world's most popular sport." It's even better when one team wins both stages, that way you can avoid bothersome events such as league championship games that fans really seem to go for.
* Continue to use inept local referees. Although, the J. League has also brought in inept foreign referees from time to time, some of the decisions by local refs have solicited reactions such as Brazilian legend Zico spitting on the ball prior to a penalty kick.
* Keep shipping all the top home-grown talent overseas to Europe. Nothing brings the fans out like a local boy making good, so by selling off players like Hidetoshi Nakata and Shoji Jo to Europe's top clubs, fan interest in the domestic product should be kept to a minimum. And by airing their games from Europe in the wee hours here in Japan, no self-respecting Japanese soccer fan would be able to stay awake for one of those riveting F.ing Marinos-Vissel Kobe tilts.
* Move failing teams into cavernous new stadiums. I've seen more taxi drivers packed into a ramen shop than fans at a Verdy Kawasaki home game in Todoroki. Still, the Verdy "brain trust" has decided to move into a new 50,000-seat building in Chofu. Can you say "lonely?" Verdy's new home should have all the atmosphere of a Japanese cabinet meeting snooze-fest.
Well, there you have it. Follow -- or continue to follow -- these few simple steps and the Japanese pro sports landscape should be rid of the J. League in no time. Mercifully, it's well on its way to extinction already.