I am very depressed by the news these days. But, believe me, it's not what you think. It's all because I'm left-handed, an extrovert and a writer of poetry.
My pathetic condition actually stems from a 1991 report in the U.S. journal Psychological Bulletin claiming that left-handed people don't live as long as those who are right-handed: by as much as seven years!
Apparently, the longevity records of American baseball players show that not one left-handed slugger ever lived past the age of 85. (A similar British study of cricketers put the right-left longevity gap at only two years. When I read it, I immediately phoned my 93-year-old mother and admonished her for not moving to the United Kingdom for my delivery.)