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Santa Claus: ‘It’s what’s on the inside that counts’

by Elliott Samuels

Name: Santa Claus

Likes: Candy canes and cookies; REAL Christmas stollen with tons of marzipan, champagne and chocolates after a big Christmas turkey dinner with all the trimmings; good little boys and girls; singing Christmas carols; peace on Earth

Dislikes: Bad little boys and girls who don’t listen to their parents, go to bed on time or brush their teeth; selfish people; greedy people; rude people; people who only want to receive presents and NEVER give any presents

1. What’s likely to be your first stop in Japan on Christmas Eve? I will stop at the southernmost point of Japan, Okinawa, then head on northward. I like the beach down there.

2. Who in Japan do you most admire? Doraemon. He is so helpful to Nobita, and dedicates himself to doing good and helping Nobita grow up to be a better person.

3. Describe your most embarrassing moment. Having to admit that I was the one who gave (former U.S. President) George W. Bush his first paint-by-numbers set.

4. What’s the most exciting/outrageous thing you have ever done? After finishing my route on Christmas Eve once, I was feeling exceptionally genki (energetic) and I rode back to the North Pole au naturel. The reindeer never even knew.

5. What’s the strangest request you’ve ever been asked in your line of work? You’d be surprised at the outlandish requests some people make, but from Japan I’d have to say it was when SMAP asked me to make everyone think they could sing.

6. If you won ¥1 million in the lottery, what would you do with the money? I might think about bitcoin investments but, honestly, I’d probably just buy more leather accessories.

7. What is your gift of choice? Love. It’s free. Everybody can give it and receive it, if they choose to, and it lasts forever.

8. What is your favorite type of cookie? Nantucket chocolate chips and double-stuffed Golden Oreos. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.

9. What song best describes your work ethic? Jimmy Durante’s “Make Someone Happy.” When I start with the premise to make just one someone happy and I actually make billions of people happy, it’s fulfillment without parallel.

10. On which side do chickens have the most feathers? The bottom, of course. Big cushy bottoms are best. Nowadays they call it junk in the trunk, I think.

11. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A chubby little elf named Digby, who always eats all the cookie dough before it’s made into cookies.

12. How do snowmen get around? When they come to my house, they just roll over. They’re getting fatter and fatter all the time.

13. What are you afraid of? Losing the view from my home due to global warming.

14. What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? By his name.

15. How would you find a needle in a haystack? Magnetic gloves.

16. Name three uses of a stapler without staples. A hammer; a meat tenderizer; a computer repair tool.

17. How would you get an elephant into a refrigerator? Ask him nicely.

18. Who would win a fight between a lion and tiger? Cat fights are always a toss-up.

19. What do you want to be when you grow up? I will never grow up.

20. Do you have any words of advice for young people? Don’t stop believin’ and have faith.

  • Sillama

    I love going to a local church on Christmas Eve and singing carols with the congregation! The tunes are the same and I can pick out a few words that I recognize because the lyrics are much the same. Yes, I sing in English. ;-)