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What’s next for Toto? More toilet humor

by Amy Chavez

What is the next logical toilet model for Toto? After one has invented a toilet that welcomes you by lifting it’s lid automatically when you walk into the bathroom, cuddles you with a heated toilet seat, washes and dries your bum after you’ve done the dirty deed, disinfects the toilet, then automatically flushes and closes the lid — what next? What more would you want from a toilet? Nothing, I hope.

Toto Washlets already do waaaay too much, if you ask me. You know that sensor technology used to automatically flush the toilet after you’ve stood up? How can you be sure it’s a sensor and not someone watching you?

Besides, I’ve heard people complain that these sensors are so sensitive that a slight shift in weight on the toilet seat can prompt an automatic flush. Pre-flushing is not good. Not only do you have to wait out the horror of the basin of water sucking itself down with Toto’s “double cyclone” technology while splattering your behind with mists of toilet water, but there is another problem — pre-flushing doesn’t allow you to do a feces inspection.

The first dentist I ever had in Japan educated me about this. He had cartoon posters showing the relationship between your overall health and the consistency of your feces. A healthy stool was demonstrated by showing a happy-faced turd floating on the top of water in the toilet. As long as you have shapely flocculent output, you can close the toilet lid with confidence, wave goodbye and give it a proper send-off by flushing.

Another person told me that your stool should look like a horse’s droppings — large and singular. He shaped his hand into a fist to show the size of the stool. Sorry, but that’s not a stool, that’s a sofa. Or maybe even a corner modular lounge. Personally, I’m more comfortable with something smaller, such as deer pellets.

Nonetheless, you are the only one who can moderate your output and when automatic toilets start pre-flushing, this poses a dilemma. As does the Inax Satis Asteo Washlet, with an SD card reader and speakers for playing music. It’s pretty bad when you can’t tell whether it’s toilet humor or just a humorous toilet.

So what should be the next thing for Toto?

1. The Toto Shower: The ultimate Toto Shower would be one in which all you do is stand there while it washes and buffs you. Using the same “wand” technology that uses a nozzle to squirt water at your butt, the Toto shower would be lined with nozzles you could direct at yourself via remote control.

The Toto shower would have, in addition to the butt washer and bidet, a breast washer, a back scrubber and a shoulder massager. Other standard features would be a chest hair groomer for men and an under arm deodorizer. Add-ons would include a belly button cleaner. Don’t laugh — when was the last time you cleaned yours? Well?? You would no longer step out of the shower and exclaim “Darn, I forgot to clean my belly button again!” The belly button cleaner would look just like a super miniature version of those fuzzy microphones TV interviewers use. They’d be used for the “innies” while the fuzz would have an indented surface for the “outies.” Other add-ons would be ear cleaners, between-the-toe scrubbers, shavers, waxers and exfoliators.

Such a shower would allow you to do all things in one place. Brush your teeth, floss, trim your nose hairs, give you a manicure and pedicure. It would be the perfect way to wake up in the morning —scrubbed awake.

2. The Toto Dog Washer: A machine Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” would love, the Toto Dog Washer would be the perfect pet coiffeur. The Dog Washer would scrub behind the ears and clean with anti-flea shampoo. It would include a standard butt washer and sterilizer. The other dogs will really be smelling your dog now, “Oh Fido, you’re so fresh!” Includes a towel rub-down, followed by a blow dry and curl. C’mon Toto — I dare you!

3. Toto Car Accessories: Isn’t it about time someone came up with a car seat that doubled as a commode? How often have you had to stop at a restaurant, store or petrol station just to take a leak? We have camping toilets and boat toilets, so why not car toilets?

The same toilet technology could be used inside cars, with the toilet lid doubling as the passenger seat. Just slide the lid back when you need to go. After all, most cars already have straps to hold on to in order to steady yourself around the corners. Empty the tanks at pump-out stations at campsites and gas stations. Or just recycle the methane to increase your gas mileage.

And what about a Toto Car Washer? Washes, polishes and waxes better than the Boy Scouts! The Toto Car Washer also washes the undercarriage of the car, flushes out the fuel tank, and changes the oil. For a sexier car, the Car Washer stores an emergency bottle of wine under the hood, steams up the car windows automatically and has an option for 24-hour temporary spray paint and tattoo option that allows you to dye your car red for Valentine’s Day, wear a temporary tattoo on the hood or paint your car like a Christmas tree.

What would your Toto dream machine do?

  • Jim O’Neil

    The scary thing is someone at Toto is reading this and taking the ideas seriously!