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You weigh 140 kg . . . how stylish!

by Thomas Dillon

Special To The Japan Times

Two years ago I had a bet going with my younger son about who could lose 10 kg the fastest. So I bought a Wii Fit unit.

Now I admit I am nothing but a grunt in the army of the techno-challenged. When it comes to gizmos and gadgets, the phrase “all thumbs” does not suffice.

I’m all knuckles, all kneecaps, all elbows. And the soft tissue — now mostly between my ears — doesn’t help much either.

Yet, Wii Fit is grunt-friendly.

Wii is, of course, a Nintendo video game console, with Wii Fit software aimed at helping users keep — what else? — physically fit.

You stand on what’s called a Wii Balance Board, which resembles a bathroom scales plastered with toothpaste, and are then led through exercises on your TV.

Along the way you create an animated character to represent yourself on screen, where the Wii Balance Board itself appears now and then, as another animated character, to give you directions, encouragement and whatnot, mostly through text.

But sometimes these directions and so on come in a peppy machine voice that many people describe as cute.

Yet which a grumpy weight-watcher like me found more akin to the voice of Satan.

Now I like Wii Fit. Truly. It helped me lose weight and win some yen from my son. With the only thing better than losing weight being losing weight and gaining money.

But . . . that voice. I sometimes hear it in my dreams. Which often find me back upon the Balance Board. Only in the dream, the Wii Fit unit is broken and out of control. So that the voice takes over and won’t shut up.

WF: Good morning! Nice to see you again!

Me: Go to hell.

WF: And are those the same undies you wore last time?!

Me: Go to hell.

WF: How stylish!

Me: Go . . . to . . . hell.

WF: Let’s weigh in, shall we? Now stand still while I count. One, two, three . . .

Me: Yeah? Well? What is it?

WF: Four, five, six . . . Seven, eight, nine . . .

Me: (Kicking the board). Come on! I’ve got a train to catch!

WF: You now weigh 140 kg!

Me: I do not!

WF: Up 68 kg from yesterday.

Me: I do not weigh 140 kg!

WF: And are those the same undies you wore last time!?

Me: Tell me how much I weigh!

WF: How stylish!

Me: You’re out of your mind!

Wii: Ten, eleven, twelve . . .

And then in the dream I step off, swearing like a demon, and reset.

WF: Good morning! It’s been a while, hasn’t it!?

Me: It’s been about 30 seconds.

WF: Three years!

Me: It hasn’t been three years; it hasn’t been three minutes!

WF: And are those the same undies you wore last time!?

Me: Please just weigh me so we can start!

WF: How stylish!

Me: How much do I weigh!?

WF: You weigh 140 kg!

Me: I do not! Yesterday I weighed 72!

WF: You weigh 140 kg!

Me: Take this! And this! (And I stomp up and down.)

WF: That’s it! Keep going! Just that way!

Me: And this! And this!

WF: Now stand still while I count.

Me: Stand still, hell. Take this!

WF: It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Me: It’s been a while since you’ve made any sense!

WF: Wonderful! Shall we exercise then?

Me: Great. I don’t need to weigh in. Let’s just start.

WF: It’s been a while, hasn’t it!?

Me: It’s been since yesterday morning.

WF: And are those the same undies you wore last time!?

Me: Yoga! I choose yoga! Send me to the yoga screen!

WF: How stylish!

Me: Please! Just let me exercise!

WF: You weigh 140 kg!

Me: Right. I weigh a ton. Let me exercise!

WF: You need to lose 75 kg to reach your goal!

Me: But yesterday I weighed 72!

WF: Wonderful! Now stand still, while I count. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen . . .

So I jump off and reset again.

WF: Good morning! Nice to see you again!

Me: GO TO HELL!

WF: You weigh 140 kg!

Me: I DO NOT!

WF: And are those the same undies you wore last time?

Me: No, no, here! (And I yank them off and fling them at the screen.) How’s that!

WF: You weigh 25 kg.

Me: What?

WF: And are those the same undies you wore last time?!

Me: Look! Look! I’m not wearing undies!

WF: How stylish!

Me: I’m going to drown you in the ofuro!

WF: That’s it! Keep going! Just that way!

Me: And then burn your remains!

WF: You need to gain 40 kg to reach your goal!

Me: My goal is your destruction!

WF: Wonderful! Now stand still while I count. Sixteen . . .

In the end, I do not know what helped me lose those 10kg. The real, user-friendly Wii-Fit machine? Or nightmares like this?

But the weight has kept off. Mostly. Though these days it seems to be slowly creeping back.

WF: Wonderful! Shall we exercise then!