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You walked into this

by Thomas Dillon

We could all use a good laugh. The only question is what defines “good.”

Below is a list of, ah, jokes. Now perhaps you will think . . .

“Earthquake, tsunami, radiation . . . and now this! When will the disasters stop!?”

But — don’t worry. It’s not the end of times. It’s merely a collection of groaners. All hand-made without a single glance at the Internet. Although who knows what hidden influences lurk in the shadows of my unconscious.

That’s one door I refuse to enter. But here are some other doors. Painful or not, I bet you won’t stop opening them till they’re done. Here we go . . .

This lion walked into a karaoke bar and was soon dominating the microphone. Yet, all he sang were tunes from commercials. When asked why, he answered, “Don’t you know? I’m king of the jingle!”

This Zen priest walked into a single’s bar, winked at a girl, and invited her to come to his room and meditate. Instead, she showed him the sound of one hand slapping.

This egg walked into a yakitori bar and asked to see his mother. The grill master said, “Your mother? Hmmm. What’s she cook like?”

This Texan walked into a sushi bar and asked for a king-sized bowl of chili. The chef said, “Sorry, sir, but we only serve fish.” The Texan turned red with embarrassment and said, “Oh . . . so where do the people eat?”

A Catholic priest and a Baptist minister walked into a sushi bar and made a bet on who could eat the most sushi. After an hour the priest had finished 20 plates and the minister was seemingly full — and stuck on 19. “I win!” said the priest. But the minister answered, “Wait! I’m planning a revival.”

This goldfish walked into a sushi bar and soon fell in love with a shrimp on the revolving belt. “Where have you been all my life?” she cried. The shrimp replied, “Oh, I’ve been around.”

The Wicked Witch walked into a sushi bar in Osaka and screamed, “Surrender Dorothy!” The chef calmed her down by serving fish with ruby flippers. And when she had finished her meal, he sang, “Ding, dong the Witch is fed!” All of which prompted a customer at the counter to mutter, “Something tells me I’m not in Kansai anymore.”

This horse walked into a sushi bar and ordered the sea bream course, but had all kinds of trouble with the chopsticks. The waiter offered to change the items so that the horse would have something easier to eat. But the horse said, “No way! One should never change courses in mid-bream.”

This fish walked into a sushi bar, lifted its fins and proceeded to raise all the other fish from the dead. The chef fell on his knees and exclaimed, “Holy Mackerel!”

This monkey walked into a sushi bar, pulled a gun, and cried, “Hand over your bananas!” The chef said, “Bananas? All we have are tuna, salmon and squid!” “How can I believe you?” said the monkey. “Everything you say sounds fishy!”

This zombie walked into a sushi bar and said, “Hey, do you have any brains?” And the sushi chef answered, “If I had any brains, I’d be working for Sony.”

This snake walked into a sushi bar in the midst of a special lunchtime promotion. The customer sitting next to him asked, “Eat here often?” And the snake answered, “Are you kidding? Usually this place costs an arm and a leg.”

This T-Rex walked into a yakitori bar and then roared at the waitress when she spilled his drink. When she returned to the kitchen, the cook asked, “What happened?” And the waitress answered, “Oh I got a diner sore.”

This rubber ball walked into a single’s bar and asked for a job. “You’re hired!” said the boss. “We’ve always wanted a bouncer!”

This wooden plank walked into a bar being renovated and got plastered.

This vampire walked into a single’s bar and found himself caught in a quarrel between two girls who were rivals in beauty. “Who has the prettier face?” they asked. “Tell us!” And the vampire said, “Well, to me, it’s really neck and neck.”

The invisible man walked into a bar to pick up girls, but everyone saw right through him. Except . . . for a visually impaired young lady who was soon smitten. “You sound so suave and debonair,” she said. “Please describe yourself.” “To tell the truth,” said the invisible man, “I’m nothing to look at.”

This American guy walked into a yakitori bar and made friends with a man from England. After a number of beers, the British fellow said, “I have to use the loo.” “Now hold on,” said the American. “I hate that expression. Because my very name is ‘Lou.’ So let’s agree to always use only ‘toilet.’ OK?” And the British man answered, “Whatever you say, Toilet.”

It’s always good to end on a lulu.