I bet you were surprised to receive this package from me at 11:59 p.m. on June 17 — just when you were sure I had forgotten about Father’s Day. No sir, I absolutely did not. It’s just that since I did my Father’s Day shopping at the 100 yen store, I had to do something to increase the value of the gifts, so I sent them overnight express mail. So you see, I did spend a lot of money on your for Father’s Day.
The reason I did my shopping at the 100 yen store is not because I am a cheapskate daughter. No, sir. It’s because, well, since you are the father who has everything, you are very difficult to shop for. But when I went into the 100 yen store I saw many things you don’t yet have — in fact, many things you don’t even know you don’t have.
So, here is a list of the gifts in this package, along with an explanation of what each one is:
Hachimaki: This white strip of cloth is to wear around your head when you’re doing hard work, such as building things with purple screwdrivers. It’s the Japanese way of telling people, “Don’t mess with me, I’m working hard!” Of course, you don’t really have to be working hard to use it, and in that case, you just use it to make it look like you’re working hard. You can also use it when you are playing hard. Just make sure you sweat when you use it.
Purple screwdrivers: I never realized color and function were related, but it’s true. Now, when wearing your hachimaki, you can work yourself into a purple funk assembling things. And these purple screw drivers will be easy for Mom to find when you misplace them, or leave them in the grass, which I know you will do.
A Japanese saw: What makes this saw unique is that it cuts on the upstroke, not the downstroke. In other words, it cuts when you pull the saw toward you, not when you push the saw away from you, like yours does. I thought you could have a lot of fun with this one. The handicap is similar to trying to saw with your left hand. But don’t despair. In Japan, the harder you have to work at something, the better the result is considered to be. Are you beginning to understand why people use the hachimaki?
Scythe: In Japan’s countryside, everyone owns a scythe, and I doubt it’s for self-protection. I have even seen gardeners at parks using them to cut the grass. Which got me to thinking, since the lawn mower is always broken down, you could use this as a backup. A hand-mowed lawn.
Futon beater: No, this is not an exceptionally large egg beater, but a plastic tool used for beating your futon to get the dust out of it. But since I know you don’t have a futon, I thought you could use it for swatting enormous flies.
Small plastic stool: I’m not saying you’re getting old, but have you ever considered how much more relaxing a shower would be if you were sitting down? And now you can do it without getting the sofa soaked. And sitting down, you no longer have to hop around the shower when you’re trying to clean the bottoms of your feet. Sitting down in the shower is civil — as long as no one flushes the toilet while you’re in there.
I hope you enjoy these gifts. They should cost you a lot more time than they did me money.